What you need in order to feel secure in a relationship


When you are in a relationship where you do not feel secure, you are likely to be very unhappy. You may do irrational things such as checking your partner’s phone or texting them several times in a row without getting a response, not feeling better until they have replied to you. Feeling insecure in a relationship is sadly quite common, and it is not necessarily the healthiest way to conduct a relationship. Here is some more information on what you need in order to feel secure in a partnership.

Damaging the relationship

If these insecure behaviors become a regular occurrence, they are likely to create a divide between the couple and start to damage the relationship. As the person on the receiving end of this behavior, you may start to feel annoyed or as if you are not trusted, which can have a strain on your relationship. If you are the insecure one in a relationship, you may begin to feel unloved or as though the other person is hiding something from you, which could make you feel even more insecure.

Where does insecurity stem from?

Usually, when someone feels insecure, it can be traced back to a particular relationship, or even right back to their childhood where they may not have been given enough attention. They may have been with a partner who made them feel rejected, or been betrayed by a friend in the past. Being hurt in this way can cause long-term feelings of insecurity and low self-worth, which can be really detrimental to the health of a romantic relationship. If a person who has felt rejected in the past begins to get love and attention from a new partner, they may find this feeling addictive and be constantly seeking these feelings, which may become a drain on the other person.

The fuel analogy

The best way to think of this is to imagine that we all have a finite amount fuel in our hands and a fire in our heart. We go through life searching for someone who will help keep our fire going with their fuel, and vice versa. In a healthy, secure relationship, this is an easy, equal exchange of fuel. If someone is in a relationship where they are not given fuel, their fire will grow smaller. When they eventually find someone willing to give them fuel, they may demand a lot more than usual from this person which could drain the person’s fuel supply. This is not healthy for either person in the relationship.

Love yourself

It’s a cliche but true; you can’t love someone else until you can love yourself. That is not to say that if you struggle with your insecurities you are unworthy of love – but that you need to work on your self-worth and happiness to feel more secure in a relationship. Try to fuel your own fire and look within for validation where possible to allow yourself to demand less from your partner.

Keep your independence

It is natural, when you are in love, to want to spend all your time and energy with your partner; however, this is not always healthy. Remember that you are two independent people who have formed a couple and that you are able to exist as your own individual people as well. Maintaining your sense of self and knowing you are not entirely dependent on your partner or your relationship for your needs will help you feel more secure and give you a chance to grow as a person.

Security is so important in a relationship and if you are with someone who seemingly deliberately does not make you feel secure then perhaps it is time to leave. You deserve to feel loved and secure and with someone who helps you keep your fire burning, without draining you of your fuel.